The first 50 days since she's told me
Hi,
I'm KiD. I'm 42 years old, two kids (a girl of 11 and a boy of 8) and until recently I was married.
This blog is/was meant to be my personal diary. I’ve written down my feelings and frustrations since the day my wife told me she wants to get out. To find her own life again…
Until today I only wrote this in Dutch. Since only a few of you speak/read Dutch I found this a way to keep it personal.
But yesterday I found out that there are people who are interested in what I’m writing. Well, at least curious. And that maybe there are benefits to it not being solely personal.
I’ve decided to write a summary of my first 50 days in English and will continue to write it in 2 languages.
Day 1 June 23, 2004 till Day 50 August 12, 2004
Day 1 I came home at 4.00 pm and my wife told me she wanted to speak with me.
She wants a divorce because she wants to get back her own life again. Well, I’m knocked unconscious by this message.
I’m so stumped that the next 2 days I stayed home from work. I’m lost. I have no idea what I’ve been onto in those days.
The weekend that followed we had dinner at my father in laws place with the whole family. Strangely enough I had a good time but don’t remember the rest of the weekend.
Sunday on Monday night I had the big breakdown. I started to cry and shake like I’ve never cried before. And suddenly it seemed like someone poured a swimming pool of emotions and feelings into me. My wife was startled by this display.
The WALL I’d build throughout the 42 years of my life was stricken down in one blow.
To make things a little clearer I’ve got to tell you that about 10 month ago she told me the same. But then I didn’t’ feel anything. We then decided to have therapy. We both did but not together (mistake!). I’ve had psycho synthesis therapy. Like get in touch with yourself. It helped me but not the relationship.
This night is the result of that therapy. I’ve finally gotten in touch with my feelings and emotions. I now could tell her how I really feel about her that I love her with all my heart and soul. After 42 years I found out that I have feelings and emotions. But after a relationship of 18 years that’s too late.
And realizing this it HURTS it HURTS like hell. She’s had this hurt many times before. I didn’t. I couldn’t grasp the pain she had or comfort her in her hurting moments. And now I can.
I now know how much I love her. That I’m terribly in love with her. That makes accepting the end much harder.
But it’s too late.
I went to work this day but after a night of 2 hours sleep and the amount of pain I felt in my hart I was on the verge of killing myself. Just jump of the roof. Then it will stop. I have very good insurance so that’s the best solution.
But then I realized I have two children…. Who don’t know anything about this yet…
The days that followed I’ve worked and cried. I wasn’t aware of day or night I only felt the pain in my heart. Burning. My wife tries to comfort me. I even beg her for another chance. But to no avail. She’s decided.
I can only sleep like two hours a day. So the hurt hits me 22 hours a day. I can’t keep this up. She’s already looking for a house and making mortgage arrangements for it. That hurts me more than she knows.
She tells me I should tell people about my hurt and our situation. She’s probably right. So ten days after she told me I finally tell my colleagues. That helps but the pain isn’t going away. I’ve called a social worker and my physician.
I went to my next door neighbor Ron, my only friend and confidant. He helped me see things a little less black.
My physician gave me pills to relax (Oxazepam) and some pills for my stomach.
Talked to my wife again and taken the first pill. Wow the pain is gone; at least for a few hours. I’ve slept about 6 hours for the first time in 10 days. The pain returned however.
I’ve cried every day. Yes indeed, even men have feelings and I’ve found that out in the most terrible way.
I went to some old friends in our old neighborhood. My wife was there too. She’d been looking for a house there. We drank some tea and she left. I talked to my neighbors. That relieved some of my pain. Then I went for a stroll in the old neighborhood and that felt well. Met some other old neighbors and even told them my story. I’d never been able to share my feelings with anyone. I’ve become a totally different person over the last 5 days. I’d regained some trust in the future. At least until I drove home again.
But my wife isn’t changing her mind. Although I’ve changed, her feelings for me are still missing.
We both go to the gym. It makes you feel better. More secure about yourself. We still go together.
Some days are good and some suck….
We’re going on our holiday to Mallorca (Spain) in a few days. Strange isn’t it.
We’re still living in the same house. I’m still cooking dinner most nights.
We do not hate each other. She doesn’t love me any more. Not in a romantic way. More like a best friend.
I’ve started to write this Blog on the 4th of July. It helps. It makes me sleep better (so do the pills I use. One a day.)
I’ve bought new cloth. Not like I used to wear but more today’s fashion. I feel that way now. Feel very reluctant to wear my old cloth…
15 days to Mallorca. How will I survive?
Well I did. The weather was great. The food was great. The pain stayed but my pills worked. I’ve cried sometimes. The second week even my wife was great. We’ve “been” together for three days. It’s never been better and I slept like a rose. The pain subsided. No pills. But after 5 days it started to return… Holiday is over.
Back home the daily crying routine starts again. My pills are down to 4 and I use them only when I’m too tired. Writing this blog helps putting things off.
Back to work but still not really there.
July 28. This day my marriage will be changed in a registered partnership. That’s done in only 5 minutes. Getting married takes much longer. This is the shortest route to a divorce in the Netherlands. Next step is to end the partnership. I’m beat after this day.
The next days are all alike. There are better and bad days. We still live together. I cry more then in the 42 years before this. I’ve spoken to my wife, social workers and friends. They al can’t give me the message I want to hear. She’s still leaving. She’s even bought a house.
I’ve been to see a psychologist. He’s the one that could help me set my new life on the rails. I’ve been derailed by the divorce. And I want to find my track. I’ve never been on my own before in my entire life. So a new episode is starting. Writing this I still feel the churning in my stomach.
Ending our partnership is the next step of our divorce. However we’ll be living together until early January 2005.
This is the end of my brief summary of 50 days of my life.